1. I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
2. A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says, “No charge”.
3. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
4. Q: What’s blue and not heavy?
A: Light blue
5. I got fired from the eyeglass warehouse because I couldn’t focus.
6. Q: What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A: A shoe.
7. Today at the bank an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
8. Two muffins are in the oven. One says, “Gosh, it’s hot in here.”
The other replies, “Yikes – a talking muffin!”
9. A ship carrying blue paint and a ship carrying red paint both crashed on an island. All the sailors were marooned.
10. And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
12. My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that but it’s also terrible.
13. I don’t trust trees. They’re kinda shady.
14. Q: If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
A: We might, especially if they screamed all the time and for no good reason.
15. My wife? It’s difficult to say what she does – she sells sea shells on the sea shore.
16. My grandfather was a peeping-tom. He lived in an apartment and used to drill holes int he floor and spy on the people below. He died recently, but I like to think of him up there… looking down on us…
17. I got fired from the orange juice factory because I couldn’t concentrate.
18. Q: Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
A: Because if they fell forward they would still be in the boat.
19. Q: What’s a foot long and slippery?
A: A slipper.
20. There are two types of people in this world.
Those who love closure…